Rockstar hornswoggles lapsed GTAO players with $3 million welcome-back offer that actually requires you to spend money to get most of it

I regard GTA Online the same way I regard the Seven Years’ War: I only know it at a distance, it sounds like a living nightmare, and whenever I learn something new about it I’m sure glad I’m not there.

Maybe I’m not the only one, because Rockstar is giving away $3,000,000 to any lapsed player who returns to its loving bosom. If you’re currently playing then you’re already hooked, and Rockstar has nothing for you but scorn.

The offer applies to players “who haven’t logged in to GTA Online in the last 60 days,” and requires you to hit a big ‘Claim Now’ button on Rockstar’s website and then sign into your Rockstar account. Which is exactly the kind of thing our corporate IT training courses tell us not to do, but I guess it’s okay if it’s literally Rockstar.

Anyway, then Sam Houser cackles and reveals you’ve been hoodwinked, because you don’t actually get the full $3 milly all at once (or all for free). Simply logging into GTAO will net you $1,000,000. Want another $1,500,000? You have to purchase one of the game’s Shark Cards, specifically either the Great White, Whale, or Megalodon card. Those are $20 (£12), $50 (£31), and $100 (£60) respectively. So, uh, a little less than free, then.

Altogether, that’ll get you $2,500,000. So close and yet so far. If you want that final $500k, Rockstar demands you fork over for $8 (£7) for a GTA+ subscription. Rockstar doesn’t quite make it explicit, but I have to imagine that $500k is in addition to the regular monthly $500k that GTA+ members get as a matter of course. Either that or they’re really bamboozling you.

So if I were you, and you were a lapsed GTAO player, I’d just hit claim now and login for the free $1 million and leave the rest for the birds. But if you’re dead keen to get back in or you’re the rare person who has both not played the game for over 60 days and also has concrete plans to buy a Shark Card anyway, then you might as well get the offer too.