Panda Plan Review

Panda Problem is now available to watch on VOD and Blu-Ray.

Jackie Chan is one of the world’s greatest filmmakers, movie stars, and stunt performers. And thanks to all of the entertaining, exciting, and electrifying things he’s done onscreen over the years, there are still flashes of greatness to be found in a lesser Chan work like the halfhearted family action-comedy Panda Plan. But the rest is just reminders of past glories: As I watched him foil the abduction of a rare panda, my mind drifted to more pleasurable experiences with Chan. Panda Plan invites these comparisons: Chan plays a version of himself, bumbling enemies frequently say things like “this is just like your movies” to him, and there’s even a tepid, meta reflection on his wide-ranging career. Alas, Panda Plan never comes close to meeting the high bar set by Drunken Master and Police Story. It can’t even rise above being slightly amusing in short bursts. A distracting CGI panda further undercuts the physicality lent to the film by the committed 70-year-old Chan (who reportedly lost consciousness in one headlock scene).

It all kicks off with a self-aware scene Chan takes on a small army of armed goons – even before we hear a director yell “cut” the lackluster effects and abundant squibs clue us in that this is an intentionally bad action sequence. Consulting his schedule between takes, nothing catches the star’s attention – until he’s offered the chance to adopt a panda. We’re then whisked away to a remote zoo that feels like a discount Jurassic Park set, minus any charm or texture.

A rushed montage establishes the general layout of the place, but it also plays like a slick, empty advertisement. Chan digs into some Dairy Queen ice cream, meets the caring zoo assistant Su Xiaozhu (Shi Ce), and appears to be having the time of his life. Of course, there will be no time to unwind with a sweet treat or play around with his new panda pal: A group of cartoonish mercenaries soon arrive in order to steal the panda and deliver it to their vaguely sketched stereotype of a Middle Eastern benefactor.

The panda effects are the stuff of nightmares; they make the cat from the even more atrocious Argylle look like a CGI masterpiece. All the cute sounds that it makes can’t hide the seams of performances arranged around a cuddly co-star who isn’t actually there. There are obvious logical and ethical hurdles to throwing around a real live panda cub on set, but any sort of practical creation would be preferable to this. Watching Chan struggle to play off the effect is painful and, considering how Panda Plan’s entire premise hinges on how cute the animal is supposed to be, it makes it hard to get at all emotionally invested in the experience. It’s as cheap-looking as it is creepy, and you can’t really blame director Luan Zhang for taking any opportunity – like when the cub gets stuck in a box – to keep it out of sight.

As for the action, Chan’s gusto deserves some credit. He’s really going for it and doing all that he can to give this otherwise lifeless film some energy. He’s not as spry as he once was, but he’s still an incredibly expressive actor – his face alone sells Panda Plan’s ample slapstick. But he’s fighting a losing battle against the way the action scenes are staged and shot. Where Chan’s best films allow for wide-angle shots with minimal edits, this one keeps cutting away from the action for lackluster gags and shenanigans that took me completely out of the scene. No matter how many times the mohawked mercenary ringleader keeps popping up to glower and occasionally fight, Panda Plan never becomes an exciting action film.

By the time we get to the supposed climax where Chan has to take on the man behind this whole mess, Panda Plan completely falls apart. Not only is this final battle anticlimactic, which is truly saying something considering everything that comes before it, but it leads to one last bizarre twist. The mawkish reveal of the panda heist’s true motivation turns the already shaky story into a parody of itself – something meant to be taken seriously without Panda Plan doing anything to remotely earn it. Chan, through almost sheer force of will, makes parts of the film almost watchable, but not even he can save this ending. It’s the cherry on top of the unbearable sundae – I was left feeling like I’d have rather watched the fake movie from the opening scene. Better yet, I could’ve watched one of the many better movies Chan has made before. Panda Plan, for all the ways it’s enamored with its star’s past achievements, is stuck in their shadow.