Oblivion’s one-room waterfront shack is the perfect player home

Here is what I want from a videogame player home. It should be a single room so I don’t have to go through loading screens once I’m inside just to get to my stuff. It should have options so I can decide whether to give it wall hangings or not. And I should be able to reach it from a nearby fast travel point without passing any guards in case I have a bounty on my head.

That last one is particular to Oblivion, but incredibly important. If I’ve been raising money to unlock the next quest in the Thieves Guild chain by finding the one NPC in town I consider to be a jerk and then stealing every single apple and piece of cloth in their home, I may need to get back to my storage containers and the bed I only sleep in to level up without hearing Wes Johnson shout at me.

The real estate agent won’t tell you this, but the bandit dungeon Dzonot Cave provides a convenient fast travel point within easy swimming distance of the Imperial City’s waterfront shack, making this run-down hovel a practical choice for the thief about town.

Some people will sing the praises of expensive mansions with multiple wings you need to hire a servant to look after, or the DLC homes that don’t cost any septims to acquire and which feel kind of like cheating. Though I will totally retire to the smuggler’s den in Dunbarrow Cove some day, that’s an endgame option. While I’m still deciding who to murder to join the Dark Brotherhood and hoovering up every sidequest in the Imperial City I need a convenient base of locations, and that’s the waterfront shack every time.

It’s the cheapest player home for sale in Oblivion, going for just 2,000 gold septims at the Market District’s Office of Imperial Commerce. And yes, with its single bed and lack of furniture it does look like the kind of place you see getting mocked on social media: “Imperials really live in apartments like this and don’t see any issue.” But there is no Twitter in Cyrodiil and no one is going to rack up 192,000 likes for shitting on your living conditions, so I am going to live in convenient squalor and like it.

I know what you’re thinking. “But Jody, what about Benirus Manor in Anvil, which you don’t have to buy upgrades for if you do the quest to clear it of ghosts and is relatively cheap at a mere 5,000 septims?” Sure, I bought Benirus Manor once I could afford to branch out and acquire a second home conveniently placed near the starting point of the Fighters Guild questline. But not only does it have interior loading screens, for some reason it’s the one player home you can’t fast travel out of once you’re inside it.

This is a real niche case, because an ordinary person would just walk out the front door if they wanted to fast travel. I do not plan on staying an ordinary person, however, when I can become a vampire. Being immortal is pretty sweet, especially in the remaster which doesn’t give you a bunch of wrinkles just because you’ve joined the living dead. Taking damage from daylight is a bit of a downside, especially because you can’t fast travel while it’s happening. And that’s why Benirus Manor, despite being haunted, is actually a terrible choice for a vampire’s home. From the waterfront shack I can fast travel whenever I please, and hopefully it’s dark by the time I get there.

Now that I’ve bought the upgrade that gives me a few storage containers to keep my collection of books and spare suits of armor in, the waterfront shack is where I’ll stay. Because even though that apartment in Bravil is also one room and conveniently located downstairs from a Thieves Guild fence, the thought of making multiple trips to schlep all my spare equipment over there is too much. Does anyone know a decent removalist in the Imperial City?