Even Uwe Boll is dunking on the Borderlands movie fiasco—’Now you wish I directed!’

Things keep going from bad to worse for the Borderlands movie, and now it has been dealt perhaps the most cruel insult of all. Infamous film director and full-time troll Uwe Boll has come out all guns blazing at the film’s reception, positively jubilant at how badly it’s been received.

Boll posted an image on social media he’s nicked from IGN, which says the film only made $8.8 million on its opening weekend, against a budget of $115 million. “Haha,” writes Boll. “My movies were rated R and made more money than this. Now you wish I directed.”

Let’s put the last part aside for a moment: have Boll’s movies really made more than $8.8 million? They have if you add a bunch of them together. Twitter user StopSkeletons replied to Boll with some of the stats: Boll’s biggest success was House of the Dead, which opened to $5.5 million with a final gross of $13.8 million. Add the opening weekends from Alone in the Dark ($2.8 million) and Bloodrayne ($1.5 million) and you’ve got $9.8 million, albeit spread across three movies (Boll has of course directed many more).

Our man Uwe’s response? The utterly absurd claim that his movies have been illegally downloaded 41 billion (yes, “billion” with a “b”) times. The discourse does not elevate from there, with Boll wading in to other replies to call people nerds, idiot sandwiches, and of course the old classic “your mother”. 

“Eli Roth/Uwe Boll boxing match, please,” writes Naro Video. “Winner gets to direct the Zelda movie.” My favourite reply, and presumably one of Boll’s too because he reposted it, is that Simpsons meme about Martin dunking on Bart:

Boll isn’t done, of course. He later reposted his original mockery, adding “But will the gamers contact the makers of Stride Gum and persuade them to give a free pack of gum to each person that signs the petition Eli Roth can no longer direct?”

If you’re struggling to parse this, I got you: It’s a reference to a campaign sponsored by Stride Gum way back in the 2000s, where the company offered a free packet of gum to everyone who signed a petition demanding that Boll stop directing terrible movies. As you can see it didn’t work.

Finally, Boll’s claim that “now you wish I directed.” I can’t find any reference to Boll ever being considered to direct the Borderlands movie, but Boll frequently puts himself forward for any and every project going: and is known for a long list of videogame adaptations. He may well have thrown his hat in the ring at some point, and was unceremoniously ignored.

Well… it’s odd to find oneself feeling a bit bad for Eli Roth, but Uwe Boll really does inspire the strangest reactions. I haven’t seen it and Borderlands may be a bit of a disaster but, in all fairness, I find it hard to imagine that it’s worse than a Uwe Boll movie.

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